My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
