So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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