just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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