when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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