I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
