how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
