Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
operation harelip BJ is a go
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
