I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
