The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
