just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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