they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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