just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Randomize
