I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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