I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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