Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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