I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
