I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
