Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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