Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
