Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
