I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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