the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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