Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
