when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
