I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
