you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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