When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
