He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
