the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
