I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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