Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
