90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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