you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
