So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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