It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
