I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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