you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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