I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
