you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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