if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
