My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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