Where did you get a picture of my penis
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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