i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
