Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
