I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Vodka?
Forever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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