i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Everything about him screamed your future.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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