Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think your dad took our porno
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
