Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You need a sexual gate keeper
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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