New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
