I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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