i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
