Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
