I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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