Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
