So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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