Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
